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It was in 1998 after 8 years of marriage that John and I decided that it was the right time to have a family. Never for one minute did I ever think I would have a problem trying to conceive. So, every month I would be looking forward to the day my period was due because I was absolutely convinced that I would be pregnant. But faithfully -- like clockwork every month I would get my period and I would be devastated. This devastation would last an hour, 2 hours, 3 hours. Sure sometimes it could last a whole day or an entire week.
I just could NOT understand why I was not trying to conceive. I thought I was doing all the right things at the right time and yet no pregnancy. Within my heart I felt I had put out every bit of energy, every POSITIVE thought form possible to bring a baby into my life. I would time. I would monitor. I would wine and dine my husband. I'd even get out the sexy underwear. So many times I would ask myself, “What am I doing wrong?” As a midwife I knew about timing. I felt I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about trying to conceive and yet it was just not happening.
I used to be embarrassed to talk about sex and my mother always told me to let things happen naturally.. So I plodded along cycle after cycle, disappointment after disappointment. And every month I would think, “This is the month.” I repeated this destructive cycle of anticipation, disappointment and then devastation, for over 120 months. That's right, that’s 10 long years of trying. I figured that as long as I was getting my periods every month, there was still hope. But as you well know -- when you fail to get pregnant, it's hard and it was hard on our marriage, especially when it would come to occasions like Christmas, Mother's day and Father's day. And I absolutely DREADED Baby Showers!
So if you are experiencing similar feelings, you know I have been there too. I've stumbled along the same path that you are on right now. Many times I felt that I had personally failed myself, and even worse, that I had failed John. I remember thinking that John was such a good man, and I couldn't even give him a baby, and that maybe he would be better off with someone else who could give him a son or daughter. So after 10 years of trying, one day out of the blue, I realized that I had almost given up on my dream. I had actually started come to terms with the possibility that maybe I was never going to get pregnant. That was the day I decided to go get some help.
I remember the first day I walked into this very posh reproductive endocrinology center, the fancy name for infertility specialist. I was shocked to my core at how busy this center was especially at 6am with all sorts of people coming and going for blood tests, ultrasounds and sperm collections. I have to say I had very mixed feeling sitting there. No one spoke to each other. I am sure everyone else was just as embarrassed as I had been, having to come to terms with infertility. And for me, being Catholic, I had a lot of shame and guilt even considering seeking help to get pregnant. The Catholic Church frowns on infertility treatment, IVF and masturbation for sperm collection.
As a midwife, I remember when IVF first came out it was called “test tube babies.” I was definitely not comfortable with this process because I am a natural sort of person but yet here I was prepared to do whatever I had to do to have a child. For the next six months I took a lot of hormonal pills, injected myself with a lot of synthetic hormones. I underwent numerous ultrasounds, blood tests and tried 3 rounds of intra-uterine inseminations. This is where they control and monitor your ovulation and then, on a specific day, they injected my husband's washed sperm into my womb via a plastic catheter.
Personally it was very embarrassing but I believed every time they did this procedure that it would work. But all 3 times it failed. I would be devastated and would cry for hours when my periods came because once again I was reminded I had failed to get pregnant and then I would have to tell my friends and family that the infertility treatment didn't work. So after 3 failed attempts of IUI, I was given no other option but to go to the next phase and this was the dreaded “test tube baby” scenario, or IVF.
Like all couples who go through a round of IVF, I had to attend their monthly IVF lecture to understand the procedure. The auditorium was packed with about 100 couples and some of these women were on their 5th IVF attempt. IVF success rates were briefly displayed but not spoken about as it would have disheartened everyone in the room. As a midwife and researcher, I was immediately locked onto these stats and the success rate for my age group of 38 at the time was 15-20% chance of success. But I ignored these stats as I believed IVF was going to work for me. I was convinced I would be within this 15%. There was no reason to even think IVF would fail as no one would ever mention the failure rates.
In the middle of the IVF cycle I was called into the consultation room, a fancy room with posh leather chairs and expensive artworks. There was silence in the air. I sensed there was something wrong but no one could have ever prepared me for what the doctor was about to say to me. He sat back in his chair and folded his arms and proceeded to say, “Well Mrs. Bajor, we have some bad news. We are removing you from the IVF program. You have only one egg. This egg would be destroyed if we try to retrieve it. We have given you the maximum infertility drugs and you only produced one egg so this means you are in premature ovarian failure, another name for premature menopause. The bottom line is Mrs. Bajor you are out of eggs and the chances of you trying to conceive are zero.” I sat there in total shock! I couldn't speak!
I had a thousand and one thoughts going through my mind. I even thought maybe there had been a mix up. How could I be out of eggs; I had been coming to see them for 6 months and no one had ever suggested I was in ovarian failure. My mind flooded with the memory of the 16 week miscarriage I had the previous year. I thought I had one opportunity in my life to be a mom and I lost my precious baby at 16 weeks and now this doctor was telling me I would never be pregnant again.
The pain runs so deep within when you cannot get pregnant. You feel you failed yourself, your partner, your family, even the poor baby who would never be born. I picked up my coat and walked out. I remember till this day John holding my hand in the parking lot as we walked to the car in silence, in total devastation with both of us knowing we would never have a baby because I was so stupid to spend ten years trying on my own to get pregnant and now I have no more eggs. John deserved better. I had failed him. Having a family was the ONLY thing that mattered to me and you can imagine how devastating it was to be told I was infertile.
All my hopes and dreams of motherhood, shattered. Some days it was just terrible for me at work because I was constantly surrounded by sacred bellies. I would see women transform in front of me as they embodied the essence of pregnancy. But as I watched these women and felt their amazing energy, I just couldn't give up on my dreams to be like them.
But even so, something in me was telling me that it wasn't over. Something in me was telling me, NUDGING ME, prodding me AND kicking me to take responsibility for my own situation and DO something about it! So I decided to put my medical background to some good use and to search out every bit of research to find the optimal solution. Because all of the infertility experts had given up on me, my solution had to be natural, so I CONSULTED with many non-traditional female fertility specialists. I did so much research that I actually BECAME an infertility expert in my own right.
Nine months later, after researching every possible article, every health journal, every book and paper I could get my hands on, studying the effect of nutritional supplements and life style choices on a woman's reproductive system, I FINALLY stumbled onto a "formula" that actually would work. This program I created is one that any woman can use to naturally increase her fertility and thereby her chances of trying to conceive.
In essence, it is a perfect combination of day-to-day lifestyle changes and nutritional supplements that cured my infertility nightmare and gave me my first son Kyle at the age of 41 and my second son Bryan at the age of 43. I feel very blessed to have them, and even more blessed to have been able to share my discovery with couples just like you all over the world who want to have their own baby. And remember: all your dreams CAN come true if YOU have the courage to pursue them.
And as we would say in Ireland:
Sláinte agus go raibh maith agut.
Farewell and thanks!
Times have changed! Babies coming into this world are of a higher consciousness. It is time that we as parents learn about the energy dynamics of conception, pregnancy and birth. Read more about this subject by downloading my FREE eBook Birth, Your Birth, Your Choice, Your Reality authored by Midwife Hannah Bajor.
Your Birth, Your Choice, Your Reality is a profound telepathic message my oldest son Kyle transmitted through me when he was seven-week's old. As a Certified Nurse Midwife I stand in awe at the level of consciousness of newborn babies. As humans each of us has a mission, a purpose, a task or job to be done. Maybe my son’s message (grammatically unedited) will get you thinking about your mission, your purpose, your task or job you are here to do as a human being... At seven-week's post partum, I was awakened from a sound sleep at four in the morning. I heard a voice saying, ”Ma wake up, take a pen and paper, and write down this message.” This was a very strange occurrence and for a moment I thought, perhaps I flipped and was going crazy! I kept hearing the same sentence over and over again... Get this eBook click on https://www.Lumalove.com
Hannah Bajor author, midwife of 30 years,
founder and CEO of Lumalove® is recasting what parents-to-be know
about trying to conceive, pregnancy, infertility and miscarriage.
Hannah bridges traditional reproductive health and energy medicine
to help couples access new and dynamic pre conception and prenatal
education. Understanding the energy dynamics of trying to conceive,
pregnancy and birth puts couples on a faster track toward a
healthier pregnancy. It ultimately also gives their unborn child
longstanding benefits that serve him or her well beyond pregnancy.
You can read more about Hannah
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